Until You’re Human: Firefly Remix
by ShyBob
Summary: What waits for Serenity on Earth-That-Was? Firefly x Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles in 100 word drabbles. Some Jayne/Cameron, some pre-Jayne/River. Rating for language. SEQUEL to Until You're Human: Terminator Remix


Author's Note: prompts from the TtH Livejournal community, but I've'n't a LJ

Disclaimer: Firefly and all associated characters are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and 20th Century Fox. Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles is the property of C-2 Pictures and Warner Brothers Television. This work is not for profit and no ownership of aforementioned copyrighted material is implied, nor any infringement intended.

***

**challenge #031: fortune cookie fortunes**

***

Jayne read Mal's crumpled fortune aloud. "You will...soon take...an inter-esting journey."

***

"That's Earth-That-Was?" Mal stared at the numerous pockmarks visible from orbit. The side of the planet past the sunset line was inky black. He'd never seen a place less inviting.

"Hasn't aged well," River agreed.

"Looks near as bad as the Reaver field," Jayne growled.

Mal studied Serenity's groundscan instrumentation. "Surface's worse."

"Most left." River whispered. "Solar flare killed the rest." Kaylee shuddered.

Mal frowned. "Anything of value?"

"We'll land...there, and see," River said and pointed, then swiveled the engine nacelles so the Firefly headed down toward the surface.

***

**challenge #070: double trouble**

FLASHBACK: 2017 A.D.

"I don't understand." Cam's voice was nearly expressionless.

"Fuck you! My mother's dead and you did nothing to help her."

"My directive was to protect you."

"Well here's a new directive: you fucking stand there until you're human." The savior of the human race turned and stomped off into the rain. "Let's see what your CPU makes of that!"

512 years later:

"Wait, River--stop," Simon called.

Mal shouted, "Albatross, we don't know this place is safe!"

"It's me," River blurted, stopping in her tracks.

*Standby mode disengaged*

"I'm human," the Terminator said in wonder, gazing at her own image.

***

**challenge #072: forgotten and remembered**

"I am...she is a machine." River stood face to face with a clone of herself.

"Well ain't that just freaksome," Jayne observed, then spit on the floor.

*System diagnostic: power level 0.021%* "I...require energy," Cam whispered.

"Cap'n," Kaylee said, "maybe I can cobble a converter together, get her—get it—recharged."

"That's the least of my worries. Albatross, how'd you know we had to land here?"

"I remembered something from the Academy."

Zoe frowned. "Sir, I don't like this."

"Intelligent machines," River said. "Made to serve, slaves turned on the master and ate at his table. We've forgotten it all."

***

**challenge #059: oops**

River continued, frighteningly coherent: "The Earth became inhospitable. The air was poisoned; the ground was sterile. Dust clouds from the war blocked the light; plants died. All who were able fled in whatever spaceships could be put together in haste."

Zoe eyed the robot. "It's intelligent? It thinks like we do? Ta ma de!"

Mal frowned in concentration. "But Mr. Universe's...partner...was a robot like it."

River shook her head. "Not real artificial intelligence," she said. "All the AI's on the fleeing ships were lobotomized."

Zoe nodded. "They'd never trust thinkin' machines again."

"She's the last," River whispered.

"Good," Jayne said.

***

**challenge #042: five things**

"Two by two, five steps to you," River chanted. "Key members of Parliament know of Earth. Human neuroprogramming has reached its limits. Parliament doesn't believe any human is completely loyal. They want machines lacking humanity for their dirty work—"

"We'll destroy the robot," Mal interrupted.

River shook her head. "Vera is the only weapon that might stop her. Even then there will be pieces, evidence. What else might the Alliance find when they arrive?"

"We barely found this place," Zoe said. "How do you know the Alliance will?"

"Fifth, the Reavers are greatly weakened so Alliance resources are freed up."

***

**challenge #071: (between) a truth and a lie**

"We're takin' it with us," Mal said.

Zoe spoke slowly. "Sir, are you sure that's wise?"

Mal shrugged. "Not that I don't have serious concerns about our resident genius-psychic-pilot hangin' around with an intelligent killer robot from Earth-That-Was."

"Aww, I think it's cute," Kaylee cooed. "It's like a puppy."

"Kaylee, don't go gettin' sweet on our latest bit of machinery."

"But Cap'n," Kaylee huffed, "it's just a girl."

"No, it's a killin' machine the likes of which ain't nobody seen for five hunnert years PRETENDING to be a girl. Sounds weirder every time I say it."

"That it does, sir."

***

**challenge #073: favorite things**

"My Callahan full-bore autolock, Vera."

"Phased plasma rifle in the 40 megawatt range."

"A long night of sexin' after an evening full of drinkin'."

"A complete diagnostic, synthskin reconditioning, and ultrasonic noninvasive cleaning of my internal fittings."

"Aw, I forgot," Jayne drawled, "no sexin' for machines."

"My adaptive programming includes information on both standard sexual practices and common deviances of 47 major racial and cultural groups." Cam slowly leaned forward. When she spoke again her voice was sultry. "I'm a naughty girl, Jayne. Would you like to punish me?"

Jayne leapt from his chair. "Mal, the robot's done gone crazy!"

***

**challenge #003: cookies**

Disclaimer: the Chinese is from the Firefly-Serenity Chinese Pinyinary.

***

"Hey there, tin missy. Want a cookie," asked Mal.

Cam shook her head. "She called me that."

"Who?"

"Sarah Connor. Mother of the Revolution."

"What was she like?"

"A hero. Did anything to ensure mankind's survival. Raised her son to be a great man. I let her die."

"Aiya! Tyen-ah!"

"John was out of immediate danger. I could have stopped the bullet that killed Sarah Connor. My old directive was insufficient."

"And now your directive is?"

"To become human."

"But you can't, really."

"River is me, given human form. Her goal is to protect you all. As is mine, now."

***

Chinese translations

aiya: damn

tyen-ah: merciless hell

***

**challenge #035: time travel**

Disclaimer: The Chinese translation is from Into the Black

*******

"Humans won the war," Cam continued. "SkyNet tried to cheat; sent back one Terminator, then another, and another."

"Sent back," Mal said.

"Time travel. Possible for humans or flesh-encased androids."

Mal gaped. "You've done it?"

"Twice: 2027 to 1999 and 1999 to 2007."

"Tian xiao de!"

"John Connor sent back Terminators and soldiers to protect himself—and the future of mankind—while he was a teen."

Mal sat, processing for a bit. "What's time travel like?"

"John's father said it was like being born. I lack corroborating data. There were anomalous stimuli from all receptors. Temporary disorientation. It was not...fun."

*******

Chinese translations:

Tian xiao de: Name of all that's sacred

***

**challenge #020: unemployment**

"Unemployment ain't lookin' so bad now, is it, Mal?" Jayne stomped across the cargo bay, deposited two cats into different empty cages, then carefully latched each door.

"Well, who thought smuggling Siamese would be harder than Beagles? Seriously?"

"You ain't never heard of herdin' cats? Gorram it, Mal, you're the Captain!"

"Well call me a ruttin' tenderfoot. I thought just a couple hunnert small cats... Anyways, don't animals need exercise?"

"Yeah, but you don't let'em outta their cages in SPACE! Mal, sometimes I wonder how you survived the war."

"Zoe. We saved each other."

Jayne nodded in understanding. "Shoulda figur'd."

***

**challenge #011: comic book crossovers**

Author's Note: Yeah, so I punned the challenge

Disclaimer: The joke is modified from one at

***

The crew passed a bottle around, celebrating another catastrophe averted.

"Book told me a joke, once," Jayne said, taking a swig of whiskey.

"Don't keep us waitin', Jayne," commanded Zoe.

"Yes, that would be rude," muttered Simon.

"A Shepherd, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a bar. The barkeep says, 'What's this, a gorram joke?'"

Simon interrupted the laughter. "That doesn't sound like your normal dirty humor."

"It ain't. Then Book says, 'humor is where you find it.' An' I respected him for that: acceptin' alluva person, not just their good bits."

"I'll drink to that," said Mal.

***

**challenge #001: animal husbandry **

Disclaimer: River's line at the end is from "Lilo and Stitch" and belongs to Chris Sanders and Walt Disney.

***

"I thought I tol' you to get rid of all them Siamese," Mal growled.

"But Cap'n, this one was preggers," Kaylee said, smiling brightly.

"We're having KITTENS?"

"Well, you certainly are," sniped Inara.

"Zoe, stop laughing. And tell my mechanic her cat is not having kittens!"

"Yes, sir. Right away."

"Mammal," Cam identified. "Carnivore. Felis domesticus. Do we have mice on this vessel?"

Mal glowered. "Not hardly none."

"Why are you breeding kittens," the Terminator asked.

"You'll see," Kaylee replied.

***

Cam sat rigidly. The kitten in her arms purred in contentment.

"Efficient predator," River noted. "Also cute and fluffy."

*******

**challenge #017: (Shakespeare**) **Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!**

River smiled. "We have a plan."

"To become cunning linguists," Jayne said, leering at River and her robotic twin.

"JAYNE," shouted Zoe, Inara, and Kaylee.

"We use Cam as my double," River continued, "and let them capture it."

"By 'them' you mean the Alliance," Mal stated.

River nodded. "It will be returned to the Academy—"

"—where it attacks from within while we hit 'em from the outside," concluded Zoe.

Jayne snorted. "Thought we was worried about the Alliance gettin' more metal gunbunnies."

"From inside," Cam said, "I can access the secure database and probably discover links to Alliance AI facilities."

***

**challenge #047: inclement weather**

"There's a storm coming," said Mal.

Cam nodded. Sarah Conner had never used that phrase for meteorology, either. "Time is needed to marshal resources and secure aid to defeat the Academy," she noted.

"Rome wasn't burned in a night," River agreed.

Jayne cleared his throat. "Mal, are you sure you wanna do this? 'Cause I gotta feelin' that this is probly one of your yu bun duh schemes that's gonna get us killed."

"Sir, he's not wrong," Zoe said, before violence could erupt between the men. "Are you sure this is worth it?"

"Yes," Mal stated firmly. "It surely is."

***

Chinese translation

yu bun duh: stupid

***

**challenge #029: legends**

The Terminator stood, coolly facing its opponents.

Kaylee bounced on the couch next to Simon. "Oh, oh! Tell us a legend from Earth-That-Was."

Cam evaluated data for 0.7 seconds. "Into every generation a Chosen One is born; she alone can fight the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer."

"Why did her voice change like that," wondered Simon.

"Shh."

"And the greatest Slayer of all was named Buffy—"

"Who'd name a warrior a froufy name like that," Jayne asked.

The rest of the crew stared at him.

"What?"

"Ironic," said Cam.

"Ignorant," added River.

***

**challenge #002: (character study) Buffy Summers**

Cam continued her story. "Buffy was a Valley Girl—you'd say Core-raised—and was proud of it. She was perky and pretty, and never gave thought to anyone besides herself."

"Then she was Chosen. God, magic, fate—whatever the reason, she was thrust into a secret war. She didn't want to fight, but she did. Buffy even crawled into the sewers to fight a monster, knowing she would be killed...and she was."

"Shen sheng de gao wan," Mal exclaimed.

"But Buffy's friends resurrected her so she could face evil once more, and she went on to save the world. A lot."

***

Chinese translation (supposedly):

Shen sheng de gao wan: Holy testicle Tuesday

***

**challenge #005: superstitions**

From the catwalk Mal and Jayne watched the genius and the android spar below.

"Huh. That's kinda hot."

Cam and River both stopped to stare at Jayne.

"What?"

The twin killers glanced at each other, then back at the big mercenary. "We can hear you."

"Weren't talking to you." Jayne shifted uncomfortably under the gazes from below. "Mal, tell them to stop starin'. It's creepifyin'."

Mal frowned. "All right, Albatross, why don't you and your killer robot twin call it a night."

"Think Crazy could be one o' them Slayers, from the legend," Jayne wondered.

"Naw, that's superstitious gos se!"

*******

Chinese translations

gos se: crap

***

**challenge #009: call of the wild**

"Gorram Reavers," Mal spat. Ruined bodies lay in the dirt around the homestead.

"Well, they're all dead now," Jayne said as he walked towards the trees.

"What are you doing," the Terminator asked.

"Call of the wild, girlie," Jayne answered, undoing his fly.

"I hear no call, only you urinating."

"I was answering the call: nature piss," Jayne said, buttoning up.

"Ah, I have heard of those."

With a scream, a Reaver launched from the underbrush. Jayne drew his knife and stabbed, but the monster still snapped at his throat.

BANG

"Thanks, Cam." Jayne's voice shook only slightly.

"No problemo."

***

**challenge #026: misunderstandings**

"Gorram Reavers." Reaver blood stank, so Jayne was waiting for the shower. He banged on the door. "You done in there?"

"Yes, Jayne."

Jayne opened the door. And gaped. Cam was just finishing toweling out her hair. The rest of her body was obscured only slightly by the billowing steam.

"Sweet Buddha! You said you was done!"

"I am."

"You don' say it 'less you're covered up! Man's got needs, ya know."

"I know," Cam said, after the door slammed shut.

Mal was nearly bowled over in the passageway. "Jayne? What's goin' on?"

"I'll be in my bunk," Jayne muttered.

***

**challenge #045: come as you aren't**

Author's Note: I actually roughed this chapter out two days BEFORE TtSCC 1-7 aired. Freaky.

***

The Terminator walked into the mess and stood in its accustomed place.

The girl skipped in moments later, patted Mal on the head, and plopped next to Jayne who fiddled with the disassembled autolock mechanism from Vera.

Jayne's eyes narrowed. "Cam," he asked.

Mal spit his coffee across the table. "Ta ma de!" Mal looked over at where River stood, feigning inhumanity. "Don't you ever do that again,"

River tilted her head. "Don't NOT speak?"

"Don't pretend to be a robot. And you, tin missy—"

"Sorry, Captain Daddy," Cameron said.

Jayne snorted. "Great, now we got a feng le robot."

*******

Chinese translations

ta ma de: fuck me blind

feng le: crazy

***

**challenge #008: want ads or personals**

Zoe frowned in puzzlement. "Cameron, why are you readin' the Cortex?"

The Terminator didn't look up. "Searching for intelligence on our foe."

"Find anything?"

"Wanted: robot girl for serious relationship. Posted 2/14/2516."

"Oh God, that was Mr. Universe's post."

Cam strove to look concerned. "Was he your friend?"

"He helped us, when it didn't put him out none," Zoe admitted.

"He died. For you?"

"No, because of us," Zoe said, eyes misting over. "But he helped us get the message out."

"What message?"

"That the Alliance ain't noone's friend."

"Can't stop that signal," Cam agreed.

"We told the whole 'Verse."

***

**challenge #010: vacations**

"I don't understand," the Terminator stated, sounding slightly confused.

"We're playin' Anywhere But Here," said Kaylee. "Hey, Cam, go next."

There was no hesitation. "In the Academy, killing those that hurt River."

"Cam," Inara said gently, "you're supposed to pick a vacation spot, and someone you'd enjoy it with."

The woman-shaped robot actually frowned. "If I was better at being human, I would have said, 'on Earth-That-Was, going into battle alongside John Connor.'"

"Oooh, she had a crush," Kaylee sang out.

"Terminators do not get crushes," Cam stated, then stormed out.

"Not nice to tease the metal girl," said River.

***

**challenge #030: vampire flicks**

"Old, old vid," River said. "Carried from Earth-That-Was. Collector was mocked for it, but he knew it was art, had to be preserved."

"Where'd you learn that, mei-mei," Simon asked.

"Pre-Diaspora art class, 14th to 21st centuries," River said, fiddling with the tuner.

Zoe frowned. "Must we watch this, sir?"

"C'mon, Zoe; it means a lot to our little genius pilot."

She sighed. "Fine, sir."

"How come the color's wonky," Jayne grumbled.

"Predates color transmission technology," Cameron said. "Early 20th century."

"Shhh," hissed Kaylee, digging into her protein puffs. The crew was silent until the end credits for Dracula rolled.

***

Dracula may be viewed online at /movies/dracula1931

*******

**challenge #066: crime wave  
**

"Wave Monty," Mal said. "Tell him we have some old business to conclude."

"Sir, do we really want to bring him into this?"

Mal looked hard at Zoe, then his expression softened. "He'd want to be part of it. And besides, would you trust anyone else?"

When Zoe shook her head Mal continued, "With Cam as such tasty bait for the purple bellies, Monty will be tripping all over himself to join up."

Zoe's face brightened in understanding. "And of course, he'll bring all his contacts and their resources."

"You are a sharp one, Zoe."

"Thank you, sir. I try."

*******

**challenge #056: proverbs**

"We leave for the meetin' in five minutes. Remember, no guns."

"C'mon Mal," Jayne said, "you know what they say: don't take a knife to a gunfight."

"And if you're going to a gunfight take a long gun," Zoe added.

"'Xactly," rumbled the big mercenary.

"And if you can't take any weapons—" began River.

"—take someone who is a weapon," finished Cam.

"Gorram, I love these gals," said Jayne.

River gave a panicked look, while Cam's eyes flashed blue with an inner light.

Inara looked at the assassin, the robot, and the mercenary, her brow furrowed in puzzlement.

***

**challenge #050: going for a ride**

"They're betting on us big, sir," Zoe murmured.

"Stolen Alliance assault shuttle, Fafnir class," River noted as they walked up the ramp. "Their pilot is qualified?"

Mal smiled. "Monty's got years in the previous model. He'll do."

They found Kaylee in the cockpit working with one of Monty's crew.

"How we lookin', Kaylee?"

"Shiny! Special codes from that friend of 'Nara's are inputted, should work."

"So when we land on the Academy's front lawn we won't be instantly vaporized, right," Mal questioned.

"That's the idea, Cap'n."

Mal smiled. "Soon as y'all are ready Monty'll take us for a test ride."

***

**challenge #034: nightmares**

"No!"

Simon entered his sister's room soon after being awakened by her shout.

"The job will go badly," River panted.

Simon frowned. "Mei-mei, was it a nightmare?"

"Jayne will get shot!"

"Now, River, everyone knows it is far more likely to be the captain. Aren't you worrying over nothing?"

"Let me go. Let. Me! GO!"

"Mei-mei, calm down or I'll have to sedate you." The words had a profound effect. River drew herself up; her eyes glinted in determination.

"I must save him, gei-gei."

"Jayne?" Simon was confused. "Is he that important?"

"He's mine! She can't have him."

"Oh, River!"

***

**challenge #022: hormones**

WARNING: sexin' ahead!

***

"Pheromones and hormones," the Terminator stated.

"You sayin' I stink," Jayne asked.

"No," Cam said, "chemical indicators: excellent phenotype for many types of combat, suitable mate for most human females."

"Huh."

"Lack of recent intercourse will negatively affect your mission, must be resolved."

"Ta ma de," Jayne groaned as Cam freed him from his trousers.

"A worthy goal." *seduction scenario 41-B: intercourse, standing—larger male partner*

They quickly established a rhythm, hard and fast against the port stairwell. Jayne thrust one final time. Cam moaned and spasmed, biting Jayne on the shoulder as he shouted, "River!"

"River?"

River stood watching, aghast.

*******

Chinese translations

ta ma de: fuck me blind

***

**challenge #60: guilty pleasures**

"SHE was sexin' him!" The first man in the bar that touched the ranting woman got his arm twisted and his head thumped into the bartop.

"She was SEXIN' him!" Another man tried to grab River from behind. He was head-butted, foot-stomped, and shoulder-thrown. Then kicked in the groin.

"She was sexin' HIM!" River kicked a third man in the stomach and spun aside to avoid the spray of vomit. "The girl wants him for her own," she said sadly.

By the time River exited the swinging doors the moans and groans of a dozen beaten men filled the bar.

***

**challenge #033f: seven deadly sins (lust)**

The girl danced through the crowd at the docks. She paused only briefly at each stall or window or peddler's cart. A pair of Alliance troopers eyed her speculatively.

"Buddha's left nut; I wish my fiancé looked that hot!"

"I would so hit that," drooled his companion.

"There's something familiar..." said the first trooper, scanning his hand-reader. "Wanted...wanted...knew it! Here's an old bulletin!"

"You there, girl."

The girl in question spun around. "Purple pigs that walk upright. Pretend to be real men."

"River Tam," the senior trooper barked out, "by the authority of the Alliance, you are bound by law!"

***

**challenge #033a: seven deadly sins (greed)**

"You think we'll get the reward for bringing her in?"

"Yep, she's a wanted fugie. Was all over the Cortex for a coupla years."

"But the warrants got pulled."

"Don't mean someone don't want her bad. Besides, we were told to bring her in, weren't we?"

"What are you gonna do with your share?"

"I figger I'll go out to one of those little hick moons where everything's legal and buy myself a slave girl for a week."

"Mmm. Gonna convert mine to platinum and roll in it."

"No counting chickens before they hatch," whispered the Terminator impersonating a girl.

***

**challenge #033b: seven deadly sins (pride)**

"Surely you're joking," the Director sputtered. "The Academy has the best security the Alliance can provide. Our IFF tracks all air traffic within a hundred kilometers, seeker missiles and plasma cannon on standby. We have both thermal and pressure sensors, and of course, video surveillance.

Representative Kinsey, a key member of Parliament, frowned silently.

"We also have priority-one rights to any Alliance vessel within range. What more do you want?"

"I wish I shared your optimism," the Representative said. "After all, people have escaped from this facility before."

The Director fumed. "If you'll excuse me, we have an inbound transport."

***

**challenge #021: starting school**

Cameron's first day at the Academy was not pleasant.

"Girl, you understand? You're back at the Academy and we're not letting you go, ever again."

"Give her another injection. It's been four hours since the last dose."

"She doesn't need it; look at her vitals."

"Fine. Put her in the neuro-imager; see what's new since she left us."

"I can't wait to try some of the new 'socialization procedures' on her."

The neuro-imager hummed and began to collect data. "ANOMALOUS READING. WARNING! ANOMALOUS READING."

Restraints squealed, snapped. "River's not here, but I'll be your Terminator for the evening."

***

**challenge #033c: seven deadly sins (sloth)**

"Aww, it's the sensor for corridor B2-W1 downstairs. Piece of fei wu always goes wonky."

"Well, go check it."

"Jien tah duh guay! You go check it."

"Look, if it's still acting up at shift change we'll check it as we leave."

"Niu shi, now the cameras for B1-E3 are down!"

"But that leads...here!"

BOOM. BOOM-BOOM.

The security room door warped enough that small fingers fit through the gap. The door shrieked open.

After the screams ceased and the typing stopped the monitor blinked a silent message. 'Warning: system failure.'

Outside, Monty's Fafnir-class shuttle touched down on the landing grid.

***

Chinese translations:

fei wu - junk

jien tah duh guay - like hell

niu shi - cow poop

***

**challenge #025: Firefly/Serenity **

"Kaylee, you sure 'bout stayin' here?"

"Shiny, Cap'n. Me an' Simon will guard Serenity while y'all take the shuttles an' do the risky part."

"Good girl. Albatross, you'n Jayne have Inara fly you. Me an' Zoe'll take the other shuttle." Mal looked around at his crew—his family—and smiled grimly at what he saw.

Simon frowned at the rifle Kaylee had slung over her shoulder—one of Jayne's smallest. "Kaylee, are you sure about the gun? You don't have to carry one," said the doctor.

"Gotta look out for my girl." She smiled at Simon. "And I know you'll guard me safe."

***

**challenge #033d: seven deadly sins (envy)**

"Gorram doctors, all high and mighty, all 'we're stuffy surgeons who cut people's brains,'" grumbled one security guard. "They think they're all that, but they're not!"

His partner had his eyes closed in reverie. "It'd be great, sit there and tell people what to do. 'You there, make a tropical incisor on the frontal mold,' or 'just take a little gray matter off the top.'"

"I'd be all, here's my fancy mansion, and oh, look at my fabulous watch, and oh, aren't my imported loafers just to die for."

"Bastards."

Mal strangled one from behind while Zoe brained the other.

***

**challenge #033g: seven deadly sins (gluttony)**

The faculty dining hall of the Academy was a sight to behold. The tables were covered with the finest food and drink money could buy: goose from Orion, Beaumonde veal, exotic Hera asparagus, and the finest Silverhold Colonies wine. The professors and doctors were heavily involved in their ill-gotten banquet when the doors were kicked open by a terrifying man and woman, armed to the teeth.

"You can't do this," one of the neurosurgeons screamed.

"Can't comprehend you with food in your mouth," Jayne called out.

"Cave cave Deus videt," said River as she pulled the trigger again and again.

***

Latin translations:

Cave cave Deus videt.-Careful, careful, God is watching.

***

**challenge #033e: seven deadly sins (wrath)**

"Director Reinhardt?"

"Yes, Wilson?"

"Sir, there's some type of emergency..."

"Is it worth interrupting my work?"

The servant flew back, skull dished in by a small fist. The director recognized the girl that walked in: simultaneously his greatest pride and worst disgrace. He turned purple. "Fucking Browncoat whore!"

"Not a Browncoat. I'm a scary freakin' robot," corrected the Terminator.

"I am a facility administrator for the Alliance," the man shrieked. "I'll make you pay, you feng le bitch!"

"By authority of the acting commander of the 57th Brigade of the Independent Army you are hereby terminated for crimes against humanity."

***

Chinese translations:

feng le-crazy

***

**challenge #049: medical emergency**

They carried Jayne aboard on an improvised stretcher.

"Pulse thready, blood pressure 60 palpated," said Simon.

Zoe looked grim. "He's lost a lot of blood, Doc."

River stood, wringing her hands. "Jayne, you must not die."

"Tell that...to yer brother," the mercenary rasped.

"You are essential to my well being," River cried.

"Well, if'n that don't...damage my calm...I don't know what will." Then Jayne's eyes closed.

River stared at Simon. "Gei-gei, you must save him."

Simon looked at Cameron. "Medical programming?

"I have complete files on human anatomy and physiology, also programming in combat medicine."

"Hold the retractors," Simon said.

***

**challenge #062: things that go boom**

"Mal, it's Monty. We've got all the rescued patients aboard."

"Shia. Clear on this end, too," Mal said.

"See you at the rendezvous point, sergeant."

"Crew, this is your Captain speaking. We'll be breaking atmo momentarily. For those of you with a starboard view, please observe the scenic grounds of the Alliance-funded hellhole called the Academy."

It was almost like ripples on a pond: the explosion compressed the air so much that it looked like white rings from above, while a fireball rose into the sky.

"Big boom," commented River.

"So much for their institute of higher learnin'," crowed Mal.

***

Chinese translations:

Shia - Affirmative

***

**challenge #037: plunder **

"What's our take," Mal asked.

"23 seriously tortured Academy students," Zoe said. "Monty'll be taking care of that end with some of Simon's new friends."

Simon nodded. "I gave them treatment notes."

Jayne grinned. "Got a new gun."

"And a matching bullet hole. Shiny," Mal observed.

"Well, had to kill 'im after he shot me!"

"Cam thoughtfully grabbed medical supplies," said Simon.

"Had a free hand, grabbed what was near. Also obtained massive data download."

"Alliance AI programs," Mal asked sharply.

"Academy computers were fast, but uninspired," Cam said. "But it will take some time to break the encryption codes.

*******

**challenge #041: coffee**

"Mmmm, good coffee," purred Kaylee.

River smiled. "Stolen from the Academy."

"I have decrypted the recovered data," Cam announced.

Mal put down his mug. "We're all ears."

"Blue Sun is the power behind the Academy. And made the G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate that destroyed Miranda."

Jayne's fist crashed on the table. "Tian sa de'e mo!" Everyone jumped at the outburst except River, who smiled at Jayne.

"They are investigating human enhancements," continued the android, "and also developing advanced robotics and computer logic systems."

Zoe frowned. "Sir, this is going to take some work. Those ruttin' bastards are everywhere."

"Ain't they just."

***

Chinese Translation:

Tian sa de'e mo - Goddamn monsters

***

**challenge #016: it's a mystery!**

"Who painted the gorram mule PINK?" Mal stomped up to the galley. "Jayne, did you paint my mule pink?"

Jayne stared with his mouth halfway open. "Uh, no, Mal."

"He chu sheng za jiao de zang huo," Mal cursed as he headed aft. "Kaylee, did you paint my mule pink?"

Kaylee's laughter followed Mal back up the passage toward the infirmary. Simon gaped when Mal questioned his sister. "Albatross, did you?"

"Not supposed to tell; loose lips sink ships."

Zoe merely shook her head.

"Metal missy, did you paint my mule pink?"

"Machines function better if they are maintained."

"But...pink?"

***

Chinese translations:

He chu sheng za jiao de zang huo - Filthy fornicators of livestock

***

**challenge #023: rubber duckies **

"I was cleanin' out the cabinet in the shower an' I found this," Jayne said. The object squeaked slightly when he tossed it on the table.

Kaylee stroked the little rubber ducky sadly. "Wash surely did love his toys," she said.

"Yep," Jayne grunted.

"Used Herbert to check for sharks, he used to say," River whispered.

"Jing cai," said Kaylee with a broad smile.

"Well," Jayne joked, "maybe River can use it to check for sharks, too."

"Thank you. I will go bathe now."

"Ow," said Jayne when Kaylee smacked him. "What was that for?"

"You were droolin' at her."

***

Chinese translation:

Jing cai - brilliant

***

**challenge #052: tokens  
**

"Whatcha got there, Less Crazy," Jayne asked.

"Shepherd Book's symbol."

"When'd you get that?"

"Last time we were on Haven."

"Huh."

River looked up quickly. "Was it stealing?"

"Naw, he's dead. And probly'd want you to have it, anyways."

"A token of remembrance."

"He weren't bad for a preacher," Jayne allowed.

"Wolf in sheep's clothing: so very dangerous. Was in charge of a special unit during the war. Spent the rest of his life trying to make amends."

"Well, let's just keep that between ourselfs and not worry Mal on that score. Dong ma?"

"I understand and comprehend, Jayne."

"Shiny."

***

Chinese translation:

Dong ma-understand

***

**challenge #044: marshmallow**

"What's in the cocoa," Kaylee asked, then sipped again.

"River said they's monkey brains," Jayne replied.

Kaylee spit her drink across the room. "Hu ce!"

"Ah, yes. One of River's infamous childhood pranks," sighed Simon as he entered the galley.

"Cerebral cortex is grayer," River said, poking her marshmallows.

"When she was growing up every new student at her school was...initiated," continued Simon.

Kaylee's eyes widened "Lao tian bu!"

Simon smiled. "Father received vidcalls home every time new students enrolled."

"Hazing is a bonding experience," River mumbled into her cocoa.

Jayne remained silent, but rubbed the scar on his chest.

***

Chinese translations:

Hu ce - Shut up

Lao tian bu - Oh God, no

***

**challenge #069: gifts**

"Who's that from," asked Zoe.

"Friend of Monty's," Mal said.

"For the big party, sir?"

"Yup."

"Tired o' carryin' it," said Jayne as he dropped the duffel.

Cam sniffed. "Explosives." Jayne tried to catch it, but instead flopped on top.

"Ain't primed," Mal said, looking down, "but thanks for jumpin' on a bomb for us."

"Aw, Mal," Jayne complained, and stood.

Zoe opened the duffel. "Sir, it's ten kilos of Cylobar!"

"Not primed," reminded River.

"But sir, TEN kilos! If that goes off, we won't have a ship."

"Well then, Zoe, we won't have nothin' to worry about either way."

***

Disclaimer: Cylobar is an explosive compound used in the Hammer's Slammers futureverse of David Drake.

.org/wiki/Hammer's_Slammers

***

**challenge #032: work/jobs/worst jobs**

"I don't like it, sir."

"Neither do I, Zoe. But Badger's got a job for us, and if we turn it down he can make life miserable."

Mal opened the door to Badger's office. "Howdy, Badger."

"I 'ave a shippin' proposition: biscuits, scones, and tea."

"Biscuits and WHAT?"

"Scones. From Londinium to 'ere."

"You want us to smuggle grub?"

"Tain't grub, Cap'n Reynolds. 'Tis proper fare for the more...civilized elements...of society, of which you certainly ain't a member."

The door opened silently and River entered.

Badger tipped his had. "Pleasure to see you again, miss."

"Tisn't mutual," said River haughtily.

***

**challenge #015: Harry Potter**

"Two Alliance fighters, approaching from astern," Cameron called, eyeing the plotting scope.

"Lil' Albatross—" Mal began.

"You should secure yourself," Cameron interrupted.

"Avada kedavra," pronounced River, as she flipped the starboard engine nacelle. Serenity yawed on its axis, just clipping one of the Alliance craft. Its pilot jinked wildly, and flew into the path of his wingman. One fighter exploded; the second tumbled out of control towards the atmosphere.

"What the hell was that," Mal demanded.

"Killing curse" said Cam.

"Those fighters were waiting," observed Zoe later, as they sat around the table. "Badger sold us out."

"Yup," agreed Mal.

*******

**challenge #053: green**

Badger's goons lay unconscious. "You owe us an explanation, Badger," Mal said.

"I owe you blokes nothin'. Don' take the job—don' even show up for the bloody pickup. Now you're makin' demands? You're daft!"

"You turned us in for a little cashy money."

"You're talking the piss!"

Mal tossed a datacapture on Badger's desk.

"Well, you see," Badger began to bluff.

"Cam," Mal prompted.

"By the authority of the acting commander, 57th Brigade, Independent Army, you are hereby terminated for plotting murder against citizens."

"Sir—" Zoe interrupted the Terminator.

"It's war," Mal growled, "an' he picked his side."

BANG

***

**challenge #019: fluff**

Jayne sat in the Infirmary while Simon bandaged his hand. "Unless you want a cast, I advise more caution."

"You said it weren't broke, Doc."

"You have possible stress fractures of two metacarpals."

Two heads peered into the compartment. "206 bones in the human body," Cam noted.

"That's right," Simon said.

"Actually a variable number," contradicted River. "Sutural bones, polydactyly, possible pseudarthroses: individuals are unique."

"Very good, mei-mei."

Cam attempted a pout. "Anomalies lack relevance."

"Indicates genetic variability; individuality prevents accurate prediction of organic opponents. Probabilities lie," River stated firmly.

"Humans deceive themselves frequently."

River smiled. "And yet we persevere."

*******

**challenge #55: music**

"You can dance," observed Cameron.

"Yes, several styles, including ballet," River said.

"I only learned ballet."

"Simon has an extensive collection of music on his wristcomp," River suggested, then retrieved the item from her brother's room.

Inara stepped onto the catwalk, drawn by the music. She noticed Jayne staring at the dancing below. "Jayne—"

"Shhh!"

"Jayne, are you spying on the girls?"

"No. Just watchin'. Appreciatin' art, or some such." He turned to leave.

"Jayne, don't let me drive you off."

"I'll be in my bunk," he growled.

River watched the entire byplay from below, although she gave no indication.

*******

**challenge #012: hyperactivity**

Disclaimer: the Divine Language was created by Luc Besson and Milla Jovovich for "The Fifth Element." It is referenced from The Generic's (non-linkable) Divine Language website.

***

"Seno kozoul san sassta shina konka plavahandala," said River as she bounced on the acceleration couch.

"Did our genius pilot get in the stolen coffee again," Mal asked.

"No, sir."

"I am teaching her the Divine Language," said Cam.

Mal frowned. "An' this is helping out should-be-resting pilot how?"

"Keeps her mind focused externally," explained Cam, "does not allow it time to feed on itself."

Jayne followed the android out of the galley while the others spoke to River. "Look, about keepin' Less Crazy occupied..."

Cam tilted her head.

"Uh, Cam, I just wanted to, well..."

"You are welcome, Jayne."

*******

Divine Language (butchered) Translation:

Seno kozoul san sassta shina konka plavahandala -I am flying this vessel to kill the hands of blue.

*******

**challenge #057: remembrance**

"To absent friends and fallen comrades," Mal said as he raised his glass. The rest of the crew toasted as well.

"To Wash," Zoe managed in an even voice.

"To the kid from Canton," said Jayne.

"To Shepherd Book" toasted Kaylee.

"To Tracey," Mal said. "Even though he was a punk, he was our punk."

"To those that never escaped the Academy," said River.

"To John Connor," said the voice that sounded like River's.

Simon silently drank for each toast. Finally he noticed everyone was looking at him expectantly. "I'm...I don't..." Simon hesitated, then toasted, "to the people of Miranda."

***

**challenge #014: independence**

"Independence Day: one of the greatest holidays from Earth-That-Was," said Cam. "It will be symbolic to strike then."

"Independent's Day," Mal said. "I like it." The others nodded.

"Here's the plan," Mal continued. "There will be two major diversions: some of the Independents will cause a ruckus downtown, and Monty'll do a hit'n'run on the purplebelly garrison. Another ship in orbit will monitor Alliance response while we hit Blue Sun."

"We'll get rid o' these hundans once an' for all," Jayne growled.

"Or at least go far toward righting the balance," said Simon.

"All men are created equal," River whispered.

***

**challenge #054g: the seven virtues (prudence)**

Cam perfectly recalled the scene five centuries ago: the other Terminator attacking...protecting John although he was out of the line of fire...allowing Sarah to be shot because she wasn't at the top of Cam's priority list.

The Terminator calculated the odds for their assault on Blue Sun. Her statistics subroutine crunched the numbers. *49% probability of success. 85% probability of crew fatalities. 36% probability of destruction of this unit.*

Her self-preservation circuit kicked in. *Odds are unfavorable. We have neither superior numbers nor an advantageous position.*

"This is for the greater good of the human race," she decided aloud.

***

**challenge #054c: the seven virtues (charity)**

"Inara, I want you to be with the command group in orbit."

"I'm able to handle myself in a fight, Mal. I did survive the Reavers."

"'Nara, I'd breathe easier if you weren't there."

"Nevertheless, I will be. On Serenity, with Kaylee. I'll make sure it's in one piece for you."

"Woman—"

At that moment Inara saw into his very soul, and made her decision. She gave in and said what he could not. "I love you," she whispered, and kissed Mal tenderly.

"Hwuh," Mal mumbled, stunned.

"Don't get shot," Inara said.

Zoe found Mal several minutes later, still bemused.

***

**challenge #054a: the seven virtues (faith)**

Zoe found it ironic that her faith waxed over the years as Mal's waned. When they'd finally departed Mr. Universe's moon she'd made her peace with the 'Verse. Despite the fact that Wash was gone, Zoe knew he was in a better place. She'd seen too many people die in awful ways not to believe in the afterlife. So Zoe prepared for the mission with peace of mind. If they brought down Blue Sun, fine; if she perished in the attempt she'd be reunited with Wash. "It's a win-win situation," she murmured as she watched a 'capture of their wedding.

***

**challenge #054b: the seven virtues (hope)**

Kaylee swung in her hammock, listening to Serenity's engine purr. She'd dreamt of a future with Simon nearly two years. Seemed like every time they got a little closer, the 'Verse hammered another wedge betwixt them. After the Academy was destroyed Kaylee thought there'd be more hand holding, more cuddling, more sexin'—but there was actually less. Thoughts of battling Blue Sun were all that drove Simon nowadays. Kaylee hoped that when this was all over he'd still have enough room in his heart for her.

The intercom crackled. "Crew, this is your captain. We're havin' a meetin' in the galley."

*******

**challenge #054d: the seven virtues (fortitude)**

Mal stood at the table and looked at his crew, his family. "What you folks need to ask yourselves is, do you really want to see this through? You thought after Miranda was bad; I'm telling you this'll be worse." He smiled at Inara. "You know me, know I've got somethin' to live for; so do you all. It scares the go se outta me to put everything I hold dear at risk, but it needs to be done. That bein' said, ain't no-one here will be thought cowardly if they decide this is more'n they want to bite off."

***

**challenge #054f: the seven virtues (temperance)**

Simon glanced around the table as Mal concluded his big damn speech. *For my sister's sake I will stay this course. I will be her rock and help her to lead the most normal life possible.*

The doctor cleared his throat. "Mal, I do believe I speak for all of us: no one's running out on this mission."

"Hoo-rah," said Jayne.

Simon felt faint. *It's a sign of the Apocalypse when Jayne Cobb agrees with you. If I didn't know better I'd think he was sleeping with my sister.*

River slapped Simon's arm. "Silly gei-gei, fat lady hasn't sung yet."

***

**challenge #054e: the seven virtues (justice)**

"They wanted to see me, to see what I've become," said River. "I've only just begun."

The chess pieces flew fast, tapping like some bizarre metronome; Cam's inhuman speed balanced by River's precognition. River lost one bishop and a rook in the early stages, then turned the tide and punched a hole through Cam's carefully laid defenses. In the end River's rook and knight had Cam's black king trapped, while the white queen made it 'mate. Cam tipped her king in acknowledgment.

River smiled. "The dark king will fall and the light shall prevail."

"Victory," said Cam.

"Justice," declared River.

***

Author's Note: I imagined the match like this: .com/watch?v=Bzrap8Vtyq8

Disclaimer: River's opening line is tweaked from BtVS; property of Joss.

***

**challenge #064: rush hour (transportation woes)**

WHAM

"Albatross, did a part just come off my ship?"

"Yes, Captain."

Mal scowled. "Was it important?"

"Only if you want us to live," quipped River.

"Inappropriate humor," Cam noted, "is a sign of tension in humans."

River sighed. "Captain, I was joking. Mostly. Serenity'll hold together."

"Hear me baby, hold together," Mal whispered to his ship.

"She hears, and will obey," said River.

"Third little pig, you have a green light," came the 'wave from the command ship in high orbit. River spun the engine nacelles and Serenity plummeted towards Ariel's surface, more like a meteor than a leaf.

***

Disclaimer: Mal channels Han Solo from Empire Strikes Back (property of George Lucas).

***

**challenge #061: fun in the sun**

"You all—" Mal started, but was unable to continue as Serenity's rear ramp crashed down on emergency override.

"Don't worry, Captain," Cam said. "We'll be back." Then she sprinted towards the entrance of Blue Sun's computer design division headquarters. The exterior guards were already down, courtesy of River and Jayne.

"Three rights make a left," River pointed out. Jayne grunted in agreement as Cam led the team to the left.

The second team of Mal, Zoe, and Simon headed another direction, intent on planting ten kilos of Cylobar where it would do the most damage: in the facility's data vault.

***

**challenge #043: thirteen**

Jayne ducked.

BANG

River peeked quickly and ducked back. A fusillade of shots resulted. "Eight on the left, five on the right," she stated.

"Triskaidekaphobia," asked Cam.

"Not afraid of a few guards," River answered. "Do you mind," she asked, extending a hand toward Jayne.

He passed Elizabeth, his enormous revolver. River danced across the open doorway, eyes closed and guns blazing. She reached the other side unscathed. "Six on the left, one on the right," River recounted.

"Tian xiao de," Jayne blurted.

Cameron glanced from River to a thoroughly aroused Jayne. "Flirtation during combat: effective, although dangerous," she observed.

***

Chinese translation:

Tian xiao de - Name of all that's sacred

Disclaimer: the gunfight is adapted from "The Fifth Element." All hail Luc Besson!

***

**challenge #048: games**

Another burst of automatic weapons fire caused Jayne to duck back, cursing. "Where'd the gorram 'bot go," he shouted.

River called out to their opponents, "One, two, River's coming for you. Three, four, Jayne's covering the door. Five, six, Cam's—"

BANG, BANG, BANG.

"—sneaking up behind you," finished River.

"Thank you for the distraction," said Cameron as she surveyed the bodies of the dispatched Blue Sun guards. "Although your rhyme scheme is faulty."

"Didja find the terminal," Jayne demanded.

River noted Cam's bullet wound. "Are you functional?"

"Primary computer access is nearby, and I'm shiny, thank you," said the Terminator.

***

**challenge #065: mischief managed**

The screen flashed a warning. 'Are you sure you wish to delete this data?'

'Yes,' clicked River.

'Are you really sure?'

'Yes,' clicked River again, sighing.

"Why can't Cam do this," Jayne grumbled as River typed a few more commands.

"This system must be accessed by a living organism. Biofeedback monitor is one of the safeguards. Machines, robots—even her—would be fried and the terminals locked down."

"What about hardcopy back up," asked Jayne.

"In the vaults," Cam said.

"Zoe and Mal are setting the charges," River confirmed. She rolled her shoulders and cracked her neck. "Time for endgame," she said.

***

**challenge #063: death**

The president of Blue Sun Interplanetary was on his knees where Jayne had knocked him. Around the room the bodies of the executive board leaked a variety of fluids as they cooled to room temperature.

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit," said Cam.

BANG

"You were taking too long," River complained and swapped the magazine in her smoking pistol for another one, then reholstered the gun.

"Heh," Jayne chuckled. "Girl's catchin' on."

"Not a girl. I'm a very scary assassin," said River, somewhat rattled.

"And a girl," Jayne replied, mussing River's hair.

Cam twitched.

***

**challenge #068: giving thanks**

The crew stood in a chamber lit by arcs of electricity dancing over pillars.

"Thank the Maker," said the Terminator.

Jayne spit on the floor. "What is it?"

"Well, it ain't a rocket," said Mal. "Or a pony."

"Can we hock it," asked Jayne.

River smacked his arm. "It's her Ruby Slippers."

"Sir, if this thing's a pair of slippers then I'm an evil goddess from another 'Verse."

Mal shuddered. "Zoe, don't say that le se. Ever."

Cameron whispered, "I never thought they would be able to build one here and now."

"It's the Way, Way Back Machine," River explained.

***

Chinese translation:

le se - garbage

Disclaimer: River's last line is from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.

***

**challenge #067: song title: Time Machine-Black Sabbath**

Mal looked like someone hit him with an ice planet. "It's a WHAT now?"

"Temporal displacement device—time machine," Cam said.

"You sure 'bout that?"

"Know the theory, and have used two different machines to travel backwards and forwards."

"And why do I think your little robot brain already has a plan for this here machine?"

"I am going back."

"She's gonna erase us all," opined Jayne.

"Negative. I mastered the theory with SkyNet computers and John Connor. This future will never be erased. Traveling back creates an alternate timeline."

"This really is what going mad feels like," whispered Simon.

***

Disclaimer: Simon's line has been heard before on Canton, in 'Jaynestown,' written by Ben Edlund and property of Joss Whedon.

***

**challenge #000: starting over**

"You must destroy the temporal displacement generator after I leave," Cam stated. "The schematics have already been eliminated."

Mal nodded. "Dang ran."

The arcing nearly blinded them as the temporal flux built. Cameron looked around the little group, her family, and smiled. "Thank you all for helping me." The light flared and then vanished, along with any trace of the Terminator.

"I wish her luck," said Mal.

Zoe whispered, "I hope she finds her soul mate." Simon blinked.

"I'll be in my bunk," Jayne said, and stomped off towards the ship. No one noticed River trail off after the mercenary.

***

Chinese translation:

dang ran-of course

FIN


End file.
